It's Always the Table
by Zsadie Ankof
Summary: Okay, I think I am going to burn every table I come into contact with. All they do is help husbands cheat on their wives, do nothing to block bullets, despite what you see in the movies, and it brings crazy relatives together. No thanks I'll pass.
1. Chpt 1 Table 1

**Table #1**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not now, nor have I ever held any form of ownership over any of said characters. They all have rightful owners, none of which are me. I just choose to twist them for my own wicked delight. Thanks J. E. **

Today was amazing. I got the day off of work and was able to spend a little time shopping and sprucing. I normally did not mess with such things, but Dickie and I both had the night off and I wanted to make it special. We had not done anything in a while I was starting to believe the rumors about married people. Dickie was being distant lately and working late hours and none of that had helped my marriage delusions. Well, today I was going to change that. We may be married, but this girl still has her needs.

Stepping into a local store, I gaped. I work for lingerie store, so I knew what it was and had plenty of it, but this was suppose to be a dress shop. How could I wear any undergarments with _any_ of this stuff… then again, maybe that was the point. Pulling down a dark blue number, I held it against myself and blushed. This would barely cover me. Grinning, I headed to the dressing room. The idea was for it to be ripped off of me anyway, right?

The fabric felt as if it was silk as it slid over my skin and I situated it the best I could. A low V cut showed off my chest rather well and even made the girls look bigger if that was possible. The back plunged down and held a swoop of fabric at the base of my back and had a little more than a hand's width pass my ass. The way it moved against me while I moved sent shivers down my spine and the dress was sold. I quickly dressed and ran to find a matching pair of shoes.

I found them at my second attempt a few stores down. A matching blue set of FMP's called out to me as I passed them. They had a four and a half inch spike with a few straps to hold them on. They were perfect. Now all that was needed was to tame the curls a bit and I would be good to go. Mr. Alexander here I come!

An hour later, I was slinking my way to my Miata, turning every head I happened to pass. I was feeling amazing and hot. I slipped into my little toy car, sped out of the parking lot, and was on my way home to my beautiful husband. We hadn't even been married a year, but still, I was happy and could not wait to surprise him. I might even attempt cooking dinner tonight… eh… better order in instead.

Pulling into the drive, I throw my baby into park and glided up the drive way to my new home. Dickie Orr is a strange man but I love him. I was first attracted to him because of his flashy car, but now we're married and things could not be going better, well they could if this girl was getting somewhere in the bedroom category, but that was fixing to change. I was going to change that.

"Dickie?" I called as I entered the front door. "I'm home, and I have a surprise for you baby." I dropped my keys on a table my mother had given to us as a wedding present. We placed it by the front door so she could see it as soon as she walked through the door and we did not have to bother with it as we could not see it from anywhere else in the house. It worked out great. "Dickie?"

Maybe he was taking a shower; perhaps I should call in some food before he gets down here. Letting the grin take control of my face, I raced to the kitchen for the phone. I froze as I came into the dining room. There, on _my _dining room table, was _my_ husband who happened to be on Joyce Barnhardt playing hide the salami. They were having sex on _MY_ dining room table… "WHAT THE HELL?" I started throwing things, yelling, and screaming just how my mother had told me never to do; it was not lady like, but I could not help myself. Joyce started screaming and took off running while Dickie stupidly tried to calm me down.

No sooner had the ink dried on my marriage certificate, and then I was filing for divorce. Damn men.


	2. Chpt 2 6 O'Clock and Missing Pots

**6 O'Clock and Missing Pots**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not now, nor have I ever held any form of ownership over any of said characters. They all have rightful owners, none of which are me. I just choose to twist them for my own wicked delight. Thanks J. E. **

Have you ever had one of _those_ mornings? I'm talking the kind of mornings where it does not matter how many cups of coffee you drink, or how many doughnuts you scarf down, it never turns out to be on your side and everyone you know seemed to be out to get you? Yeah, well I was having one of _those_ mornings.

I had gotten home late the night before, falling into bed somewhere around one in the morning, just to be woken up by my mother at six a.m. sharp. I did not even know they made a six o'clock to come in the morning, let alone permitting anyone to be functional at that hour, yet there she was: Ellen Plum, making breakfast in my kitchen and opening curtains in my bedroom. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have the rays of sunlight force its way into your room, waking you up after only having five hours of sleep? If so, you can understand me being irritable; however, my mother did not understand in the least bit.

"Get up Stephanie. You have spent far too much time moping around in bed. You have let your house work go untouched and just look at you, you are wasting away. When was the last time you ate something? Get up, get dressed, and come out of your hole from some breakfast." With that, my mother waltzed out of my room.

If she would stop yelling so loudly she would realize I have not moping around, not really anyway, and my house… lets just say it hasn't really changed much. As for breakfast, I was not the least bit hungry and the mere thought of food made me nauseous. Last night I had went out dancing and drinking with… with some people over at… some place I do not seem to remember right now and good heavens was my head hurting. Why did she have to choose _this_ morning of all mornings?

Begrudgingly, I dragged myself out of the warm confines of my bed, threw on some jeans and a t-shirt, and went to the bathroom in attempts to tame the curls somewhat before heading out to see my mother. Apparently the fifteen minutes it took me to do this was far too long for her. Okay so maybe it was twenty-five to thirty minutes, but still, a girl cannot be expected to be presto ready in so little of time.

I looked around my small apartment in amazement as I made my way to my kitchen. It was spotless. I don't think it looked this good when I first leased it. How long had she been here? It had to have been hours. Was she here before I stumbled into bed last night? I would have noticed… would I not? I went straight for the coffee pot only to find it missing. Groaning, I sat down at the table.

Politely sitting a plate down in front of me, I went straight for the coffee pot only to find it missing. Groaning, I sat down at the table.

Politely sitting a plate down in front of me, my mother started her rant. It had something to do with living off of coffee, needing a new man in my life, and some other things. I was not paying much attention, as I was thinking about how much a new coffee maker was going to cost me.

"Stephanie Plum! Are you listening to me?" my mother spurred. "So are you coming to dinner or not young lady?" With her hip popping out ever so slightly and a hard look set on her face, I knew there was no winning this one.

"Will there be pie?" I asked, hoping something good may come out of tonight.

"Of course, but you have to be on time and stay the entire time to get any." She said, wearing a smirk.

"Deal, but only so long as there is pie involved." I replied.

Grinning as I believed the Cheshire cat to do, she started towards the door. Turning back, she called to me, "6 o'clock. Do not forget. Oh, and Stephanie, do wear something… nice." And then she was gone.

Somehow I felt as though I had just agreed to something I would soon regret.


	3. Chpt 3 Table 2

**Table #2**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not now, nor have I ever held any form of ownership over any of said characters. They all have rightful owners, none of which are me. I just choose to twist them for my own wicked delight. Thanks J. E. **

My morning went by even better after my mother had left the apartment. I dumped a portion of my breakfast into Rex's food bowl and the rest into the trash. I know I am not supposed to waste food, but my mother was not here so I did not care. Walking back past the hamster cage, I realized Rex had not come out to eat the food I had given him and he was not in his soup can as the soup can was not in his cage. The cage door had been left open. Panic tore through me as I began to frantically look for my roommate.

I began calling his name out hysterically as I crawled on my hands and knees in efforts to find him. I searched every inch of the kitchen, my dining room, if you could call it that, the living room, the bathroom, and even my bedroom. I could not find my precious, fuzzy friend anywhere. Tears pricked my eyes as I came back to living room, glancing around in futile attempts of spotting Rex.

My phone rang and I scrambled to find it, before realizing it was in the last place I would have ever thought to check: its base. I got to the phone just as my answering machine clicked on and my boss's voice filled the room.

"Ms. Plum. Due to some… _issues_ the company is having with your performance, I am calling to inform you that your services are no longer needed here and you can consider our contract terminated. I hope you have a wonderful day and you find a job less demanding and more suited for you and your lifestyle. Good day." And then my machine clicked off.

I stood there dumbfounded, asking what I had done to deserve this; it wasn't even Monday! I know I had missed the last few church services, but surely God would not be this cruel… would he?

Now having my day freed up, I went to work trying to find Rex. First, I put some food down on a plate and placed it in the middle of the kitchen floor and climbed up on my counter and waited. Time ticked by as I sat there, my backside falling asleep, and still there was no sign of Rex. Damn hamster. He was supposed to be the one good male in my life other than Daddy, and then he went and pulled a disappearing act on me.

The phone rang for a second time, and again, I let the machine get it. My mother's voice had a sweet yet lethal note to it.

"Stephanie, I hope you have showered and are currently getting dressed _appropriately_ and will soon be on your way. I would love some help with dinner. See you soon. I love you." And she was gone.

Crap. I had forgotten about dinner. My stomach let out a protest at the idea and I realized I had not eaten all day. Good to know my appetite was back… wonder where it where it ran off to. Stretching out my legs, I winced. I was stiff from sitting cross legged on my hard counter for so long.

Hurriedly, I showered, dressed in my work slacks and a nice blouse, styled my hair and even threw some make-up on for good measures. I looked presentable for dinner and was hoping that it would at least adequate for whatever mother had planned… Planned. She had something planned. I should call and say I am sick or have a missing kid… that would work, right? Sighing, I grabbed my keys and headed for my car.

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at the empty parking spot beneath the street light. My car was gone. My pretty little Miata, my baby, was no longer in her parking spot. Looking up I found out why. She was being towed off. I raced after the large truck, yelling for it to stop. To my surprise it actually did.

"Where the hell are you taking my car?!" I shrieked as the driver sighed. The pudgy man looked as if he was preparing for a battle.

"Sorry ma'am, but I am here t'repossess this here vehicle. I am sorry, but I got this here papers tellin' me I can. If ya have any issues, ya can contact your loan officer at ya bank. Have a good day ma'am" I stared after him as he drove off down the road, my car in tow… literally. That makes it twice today I was at a loss for words.

I jogged back up the stairs to my apartment and reached for the phone. "Daddy," I squeak, "Can you come pick me up, I am having some car trouble." I thanked him after he agreed and went back down stairs to wait for him.

I love my father. Not like, but love. He had to be the _only_ sane member of our family, but then again, the fact he willingly chooses to be held captive there might make him a little more unstable then I thought. And yes, I said 'held captive'. If you have met my half-cocked family, you would understand what I mean. Like I said though, I _love_ my father. When he pulled up in his taxi, I knew that finally there would be a bit of peace in my day. We did not need idle chit chat to be okay and I rather enjoyed the silent ride to the burg.

When we pulled up I noticed an unfamiliar car parked in the street in front of the house and my blood ran cold. "Daddy, who does that car belong to?" I inquired politely as my father stayed silent and climbed out of the cab.

I took several deep breaths.

He never looked at me as we climbed the few short stairs to the front door. What was he not telling me? Please, do not let mom be trying to set me up. My stomach growled in anticipation when we entered; the smells wafted in from the kitchen and spread throughout the house. The pie better be damn worth it.

See this is why I should have called in sick. Remember when I said I believed I was going to regret agreeing to come to dinner tonight, well I was right. Stupid me, not listening to my conscious thingy. How come I couldn't have a cricket telling me what it was I needed to do? He would be small, travel size for convenience, keep me company, and he would keep me out of trouble, which seemed to be locked onto me with a heat seeker.

In the dining room, helping Grandma Mazur set the table was James Buzick. I had gone to school with him years ago and my mother was good friends with his mother, Loretta. Great, it was a blind date, sort of. I mean, I knew him from before, so it was not _blind_ per say, but I did not know it was happening. So could I call it a shock date? It was a bit of a shocker…

I put on my best fake smile I could muster and forced a hello. James smiled brilliantly back at me and strode towards me "Stephanie, it's been a while. How have you been doing?" he asked and even looked a little eager for the answer. Brownie points for him. We made small talk until dinner was served, because then my mother started asking how his business was doing and what his plans were for the future. He actually took my mother well. My father sat at the table quietly while making sure to keep food in his mouth. Wise man he was.

"You are such a stable and handsome young man. It's a wonder you are not married yet. You know my Stephanie here just went through a terrible divorce and I have been trying to get her to come out of her shell for the last six months. Maybe _you_ could help out with that, huh James?" My mother eyed him while my cheeks flushed.

"Mother! I am doing just fine and do not need to come out of any shell. I'm not _in_ any _shell_ to come out of!" Would she ever stop? This was going to get out of hand. "I will have you know I have been on _plenty_ of dates!"

"oh honey," she began, "stop your shouting, you're at the dinner table, and let's be honest here among family." Then glancing back to James, "She's still a little timid; the divorce was pretty ugly."

My chair flew back from the table as I quickly got to my feet. "Mother, it is _not_ your place to set me up with anyone I can find a man on my own!"

My mother smoothed out her dress calmly before coolly meeting my gaze. "You will lower your voice Stephanie Plum. We have a guest and you are being rude." Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

"I am going to go home." I said, lowering my voice somewhat. "I will see everyone later." I was trying hard to keep the tears from unleashing. I was having a horrible day and my family should have been there for me, not attacking me and my life in front of a stranger. Okay, so he wasn't a stranger, but technicalities.

"Stephanie, you will sit down and finish dinner right now. Do not embarrass yourself like this. I haven't even had the chance to serve dessert: apple pie." She said that last bit at James, who was looking a slight bit uncomfortable.

"Keep your damn pie! I'm going home!" with that I stormed out of the house, slamming the door hard behind me, apple pie be damned. Again, a dining room table created a rather large pain in my life. Nothing could have made me stay in that house any longer, not even pineapple upside down cake… probably not.

Readers,

So please let me know how I am screwing up or doing great. I love to hear from my readers and live to please them. I ask that you bear with me as Steph will have more relationships than just Dick, Jo, and Ranger. Hope you are enjoying the tale thus far.

Vale

Saints Advocate


	4. Chpt 4 Ben, Jerry, and James

**Ben, Jerry, and James**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not now, nor have I ever held any form of ownership over any of said characters. They all have rightful owners, none of which are me. I just choose to twist them for my own wicked delight. Thanks J. E.**

Despite all of my efforts, I was in tears by the time the cab dropped me back off at my place. I had to forcibly drag myself up the ungodly amount of stairs, and the spent ten minutes fumbling with the keys before my door finally released itself permitting me inside. Everything seemed to be falling apart at the seams. Dickie, my job, my car, Rex, my mother, James… what was I going to do?

I tossed my keys onto the counter, next to a stack of bills which only seemed to grow, and went for a much needed shower. I stood there, letting the water just poor down me. I did not understand why this was happening to me. I had to do something to fix this… tomorrow.

Forty minutes later, I crawl out of my self-made sauna and towel dried my hair. I dressed in my plaid pajama bottoms, a tank top, and big fuzzy slippers before b-lining it to the freezer where the answer to all of my problems awaited, stopping along the way only to unplug my answering machine. I had already racked up eight messages. I would almost bet my Ben & Jerry's they were from my mother.

A groan flew from me as I stared into an empty freezer. I could have sworn I had some B&J's stashed in here. Maybe I should have stolen the apple pie…

Another groan leapt out as there came a pounding upon my door. Who in the hell would be pounding on my door at this hour… not that is was _that_ late, and maybe it was not so much _pounding _as knocking, but still, I have had a bad night and did not want to deal with any more disasters. Grumbling the entire way to the door, I yanked it open, completely prepared to chew out who ever dared to breathe on the other end. What I was not prepared for, however, was James Buzick to be leaning on the doorframe, beer in one hand, Ben & Jerry's Phish Food in the other.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I should come back another time?" he asked while the corner of his mouth twitched. "I would not want to impose, especially since it looks like you and Charlie Manson have a date."

Annoyance ripped through me, or tried to. I had to look pretty bad; I had even let my hair air dry… Crap! Crap! Crap! "You can come in!" I half yelled as I ran for the bedroom. "Be right out!" Hurriedly, I shoved on a different shirt and ran a brush through my hair, to no avail mind you, and decided to just throw it up into a ponytail. I cannot believe he just showed up on my door like that! Did my mother send him? If she did, you can bet your ass he was fixing to walk right back out that door, leaving the precious gifts behind.

Calming myself down, I walked back out of the bedroom to see James standing in the kitchen, staring down at an empty plate on the floor. "Damn it!" I screamed. How could I have forgotten to check the plate? I was even in the kitchen but I was so worried about the ice cream that I forgot to even look for Rex. I am a horrible person and mother.

James cocked his head to the side, watching the facial expressions fly across my face. "Now I think you are scaring Charlie away. You and the plate need some time?"

I glared at him the best burg glare I could muster. "You don't get it. I am a horrible mother and that plate was not always empty. I set it out in attempts to draw out Rex but I completely forgot to even check for him when I got home earlier." I sagged against the counter. "I'm sorry, I am not having the best of week here, and today has been the cherry topper, if you know what I mean."

"Hey, it's no big deal. If you want to feed your children on the floor, more power to you. It means more room at the table for the adults, right?" He grinned while I just glared in return.

"He is not my kid; he is my hamster. He got out of his cage when my mother was here earlier. Why are you still grinning?" I growled, thoroughly irritated.

"Well, we could be trapped in a giant bird cage facing certain death, so the way I see it, I have all the reason to smile." His grin only widened.

I stood there dumbfounded. He was crazy. Why in the world would my mother try to set me up with someone like him? He was dressed in jeans and a loose fitting t-shirt and had torn up tennis shoes on. His dark mess of hair was not exactly off putting, but not what my mother would go for. Maybe this was a pity setup for her friend Loretta. Poor crazy kid couldn't get a date so they decide to set him up with the burgs other favorite lunatic: me.

"Look, why don't we sit down, have a couple of beers, eat a little ice cream, and relax." He held out his hand "come on, it will be fun." His grin was a little crooked, but contagious just the same. I let him lead me to the living room and we plopped down on the couch.

The night went by and slowly I relaxed. Maybe James hadn't grown up so bad after all. We talked about how work sucks, him owning a car rental place downtown and me not having one. How burg mothers are the worst yet best; meaning they always mean well. He never asked me about Dickie or Joyce, and although he poked fun at me, he never put me down. It was a nice change of pace.

"Hey, look there!" James whispered suddenly, getting up and slowly wondering towards the dining room table. "It looks like your kid slash hamster came home." He bent over and picked something up as I ran to his side. "See, safe and sound. He was hiding under the table." He put Rex back into his cage and turned to smile at me. "Thank you for a wonderful even and I'm sorry I wrecked yours. Have a good night." And with that, he walked out of my door.

* * *

sorry for the choppy short chapter. I haven't had much time to write and wanted to post something. I know, bad me.

(Charles Manson is a cult figure who was able to convince people to kill. The bird cage was reference to Mork and Mindy, one of Robin Williams earlier works)


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